Nov. 24th, 2012

clysmian: (pic#2752448)
Yesterday during my regularly scheduled meeting with the social worker, I've been told I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I think I was in a state of shock and denial and I was definitely really annoyed, and although I'm calm now, I still think it's pretty absurd. The first time someone suggested I was borderline and I looked up the criteria, I felt none of them fit me at all. I looked at them again yesterday and actually started recognizing myself, but I still think that I may only exhibit traits while not actually having a personality disorder of that type. Yes, I have a very negative self-image, I lose my temper easily (but I always get it under control just as quickly - it's an Aries thing), I avoid social interaction out of fear of rejection, I'm incredibly paranoid (due to my projecting my own self-loathing onto other people), and I have recurring suicidal thoughts... but those are common for a number of different personality and mood disorders, aren't they?

My self-image issues aren't a question of identity disturbance. I do sometimes react in an impulsive manner when I lose my cool, but I'm not impulsive in the sense the criteria for BPD describes (promiscuous sex, substance abuse, excessive spending, binge eating, reckless driving). I don't have chronic feelings of emptiness so much as feelings of apathy and lack of energy, and I certainly don't switch between extremes when it comes to my interpersonal relationships.

It probably didn't help that I mentioned two new instances of self-harm that happened recently; I'm pretty sure that must have influenced the test results quite heavily. I still think it's absurd that I could be diagnosed with something like that after filling out a question form and revised by a social worker who seems to be trying to convince me that I'm actually gay and is misconstruing a lot about mine and my parents' history as being tragic woobie pasts.

I just think something like avoidant personality disorder or a mood disorder would be a lot more fitting - not to say that I wish I had either of those, but they would certainly make a lot more sense than being borderline. Even people who ARE borderline tell me I don't fit the personality criteria at all.

I'm just growing more and more apprehensive of these meetings with her; even my father was really unimpressed with her.

Well, I have things to work on for school and now I'm once again wondering if I'll be able to finish them on time (at least the Illustrator assignment; writing dialogue for three scenes should be easy and fortunately this book is quite short and easy to read), but once again I can't be assed to work on them and instead am going to head downstairs to play video games. Ah, the life of a mentally ill artist hermit.

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